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opiumznat
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Name: hann
Birthday: 5/20/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: alice in chains, tool, nine inch nails, soundgarden, a perfect circle, geetarz, rob zombie, white zombie, black sabbath, ad/cd, guns n' roses, velvet revolver, slipknot, kiss, pantera, damage plan, temple of the dog, mad seaon, pearl jam, nirvana, foo fighters, seinfeld, aqua teen hunger force, star trek, aliens, faith no more
Expertise: nicknames for drugs
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  deVILEsca
MSN: deVILEsca@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  sucidalinjection
Jabber: what the shit is jabber
Member Since:
1/16/2005
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| xanga sucks and i'm back to livejournal and myspace. shit they really need to have a yourspace.. that'd be cool..
i'm going to pop that shit in your ass til it goes click.
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| so, i just got a new cat. it chose me, i guess.. i can't stand to see
kittens starving to death, so i brought him in and fed him then put him
outside. the next morning, there he was as soon as i walked out. the
rest is pretty much history, as he now has a litter box and food pan. i
don't even have a name for the little bastard yet.
i have come to the conclusion that the internet sucks. if i had a life
i'd probably be doing something else right now, but i don't. it seems
that every other person is a cynical jackass. it makes me wonder what
these people are like in real life. who where they before the internet?
who are they without it? i find it hard to even carry on a decent
converstaion with anyone because everyone has their head so far up
their ass. but then again, i'm whining into a pixelated web blog, so..
i'm finding ir hard to see humor in anything lately. i used to have a
great sense of humor before i started just not caring about my life. i
try to watch comedies and laugh, but i just can't. i usually end up
thinking about something sad and being too depressed to watch anymore.
there's really not a lot wrong with my life in general, just with me, i
guess.
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| friday.. already. wow. i can look forward to another night alone, with
nothing but my stereo and the computer monitor. i just want the night
to come so i can stop feeling depressed about not being outside and
doing something. it was cold and stormy for 8 days straight and i was
temporarily happy, but of course the sun has to come out and everyone
else has to be happy. fuck.. they wont stop talking about how
'beautiful' it is outside. i'm sick of it. i want my clouds back.
atleast then i can sit and stare at the landscape and just be glad that
something in this day is going right.
man i'm such a fuckin pig. whats sadder than that is that i don't care.
atleast i don't have to eat at all tonight since i'm about to throw up
from the shit i ate for lunch. i need to buy more baggy flannel shirts
so it makes me look like i have an eating disorder instead of an eating
problem. i guess i should be lucky i don't have a 'ghetto' ass. i feel
like just walking out in the blazing sunlight with four layers of
clothing and headphones, and screaming random lyrics that only i can
hear so maybe someone will put me in a pound.
sometimes i want to just sit in a corner and talk to myself. i could
get along with a stack of cds, my old taped up cd player, batteries,
easy mac, and water. thats how repetitive my life has become. and still
i don't mind. because i'm so deprived of self-esteem that i can barely
get up and take a shower or brush my hair when i go out. at least my
hair doesn't do that tangling shit since i cut it.. just another reason
to mess with it.
i really don't like this new me at all...
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| i am really fucking angry but i don't know at whom. or why, really.
yeah, there's the usual parade of absurdity and brain-shattering
stupidity i face every day. it doesnt matter where or why or how. it's
there. in all honesty i don't want to talk about any of it. i want it
to go away, right now, because i'm afraid i'm going to do something,
sooner or later, that i will regret. you know how you get that feeling,
like 'jesus christ in just another second of this i'm going to really
do something i don't want to have to do'? i'm not so weak as to slit my
wrists or something gay like that but i might just go off on someone.
the very next fucking person i see just might have my voice ringing in
their heads for a few hours.
i want to know when all this is going to end, and i know it's not going
to, ever, and that sucks an awful lot for me, i have to say, it really,
really does. and there's nothing i can do about it. i've been asked
multiple times by people i've never even talked to if i'm a happy
person, or told that i don't look like i enjoy life. shit, if i enjoyed
life, maybe i'd take off my sunglasses when going to the grocery store,
or actually talk to the cashier instead of flinging money at them and
walking off. but i'm not that kind of person to just stop being who i am, or who i've become. i don't think i ever was.
even in the times when i actually felt happy. where i wasn't tired and
mopey all the time and i could look at myself and say 'i look awesome
today'.
if i can believe it, there actually was a time. granted, it still
sucked pretty bad, life and evrything, but i wasn't all washed up like
i am now. i still had something called hope. now, i just don't know.
who fucking cares, right?
i don't think my phone has rang for a week. no one cares about me, so
don't care about them. you call me. i don't call you. i never have been
the starter of a conversation. i guess that's why a lot of people
hated being around me. do unto others what's been done to you, right?
or atleast stop that goddamn annoying girl from wanting to hang out
with you because she likes 'the differentness' about you. shitting
christ. i'm beginning to lose hope in the social structue of todays
youth. oh wait, i already lost all hope. nevermind.
have a crappy week, hope your house burns down.
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| pain is so underrated. not enough people apprieciate what great ideas
and desperate yearnings derive from it. such a powerful emotion. yet i
despise feeling it. i can barely fucking take it anymore. it's reached
a point where i just want to sleep. all i want to do is sleep. i wake
up and hunger for rest. is it, when i'm asleep, i don't feel the pain,
or the fear? is that why those people covet sleep so? my only comfort
these days is the only thing i can't seem to do. sleep. i'm so tired
but i can't rest.
today was rainy, cloudy, and dark. i just stared at the gray-green sky
and in that moment i wanted to run so far away from this place. i
sat outside just wishing my beautiful day of misery would stay. but it
won't. it'll pass, and the sun will shine again. lighting up everything
that's wrong with the world. it's like coming home to dysfuncional
house and family; you like to cover it up when you leave and are fine,
but you know you gotta go home sometime. shed the light on your
meaningless existence. living only to die. nothing to believe in
anymore except your own mortality. you are so weak.. i am so weak..
shit i'm tired of not having any friends. i can say i'm not lonely,
that i'm happy with myself, but inside i know i'm alone. and hate it. i
do need
someone. anyone. someone to call me and ask me if everything is alright
and if they can come over just to make sure. then we can watch tv and
be happy for a change. that'd be nice. but a work of fiction. i make it
so hard to be around me that i'm not surprised everyone has gone.
why'd it have to be this way...
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